Vulnerability in being Vulnerable

Transitions, they’re a part of life, both scary and exciting as well as fresh and yet intimidating. Wise people always say “practice makes perfect”, but what’s practice to a perfectionist though? I have been very vocal on this blog, an advocate if you will, about my long battle with anxiety. Anxiety is wanting a fresh start but allowing negative thoughts and self sabotage to get in your way. You literally feel like you’re waiting for somebody to figure out you’re a fraud. Even when you do your very best.People often think it’s easy for anxiety suffers just to “turn it off”-man I wish it was that easy!

I am what many would call a creature of habit. I like my routine, I like my life, and any life changes that come my way often take time for me to adjust to. Life doesn’t follow a script, not the ones we write for ourselves and not the ones we expect life to write for us. The only thing we are guaranteed in life is that we are all born, we are all going to pay taxes, and eventually we’re all going to die. What we do with that ” – ” in between our beginning and our demise is entirely up to us but ultimately it could be very intimidating. Many of us are searching for meaning in every opportunity but sometimes opportunities come along to force us to grow.

When you’re a perfectionist in a world that demands perfection you often feel like you fall short of these expectations the people around you have of you. It’s like standing underneath a crumbling avalanche and waiting to be buried in a mirage of feelings. With age I am learning that everybody feels this way: the fear of disappointing our spouses, our parents, our partners, our relatives, our friends and our coworkers.  although I know it is important not to let this fear take the wheel and steer my life direction, some days I find it’s much harder to battle these feelings then others. Some days, I am confident in my abilities and certain of my success. Other days, I just want to crawl into a ball and hide from everything. These days which are so conflicting in many ways beg me to question: Is it really better to fake it until you make it? Or should we wear our personality flaws and struggles like battle scars? Is there truly strength in vulnerability by being accessibly vulnerable? I think there is, but today, I don’t have answers, only questions and sometimes that’s okay too.

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