While I’ve written countless posts about everything wrong with society when it comes to love and relationships nowadays, I’d have my head in the mud if I hadn’t acknowledge one universal truth: sometimes you’re just not compatible with someone anymore. Being the happily married friend, I tend to get a lot of my single friends coming to me for advice on how to break up with someone or how to handle an issue when it arises in their relationships. While my husband and I are totally flattered that our single friends put our relationship to the status of #RelationshipGoals, these conversations are never ease to advise for. While emotions tend to run high I always remind them that there’s a right and wrong way to dump someone.
What is the worst way to break up with someone? Of course, the truth is there’s really no right way to dump somebody. No matter how nice you are about it, someone is going to end up getting hurt. However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some more gentle ways of breaking up with someone.
A lot of research one this topic found that the biggest factor of a bad breakup is, obviously, the way the breakup happens. Researchers discovered that college students were much more concerned over how their breakup happened rather than why it happened. Keeping that in mind, like the 7 deadly sins in the life, you should try to avoid these 7 deadly ways dumping someone. Because no matter how horrible someone is, they always deserve respect and dignity.
1. Doing It in Public
I’ve never done this, I always advise my single friends NEVER to do this because its just outright cruel, but I know people who did it anyway. So why do they do it? Probably because they heard breakup advice that actually encourages them to dump someone in a public place. The reasoning behind that logic is usually so that the person you’re dumping can’t do anything crazy.
However, here’s my thoughts on that: if someone is going to go insane because you dumped them, they’re going to do it whether you’re alone or not. In the end, breaking up with someone in a restaurant or when you’re at a party is embarrassing. Through the years I’ve learned a breakup should be something private, not a huge thing for others to watch. The only time you should dump someone when other people are around is if you’re genuinely afraid this person is going to hurt you. In which case, maybe just bring one friend that’s a respectable distance away from the talk but close enough to swoop in if need be.
2. Being Caught Cheating
One of my close friends was in a relationship with a girl that was hooking up with a former long time guy friend of mine for almost a month before ending the relationship. The entire group of our friends, except for my poor friend in question, knew it. This made Tom and I super upset, we gave them 2 weeks to come clean, before we spilled the beans. Luckily, the girl did right by my friend and dumped him before ending up with said former long time guy friend. We don’t speak anymore, but they ended up getting married. As for my close friend? He was extremely hurt but after he gave himself time to emotionally and physically heal, he found himself an amazing woman. He’s married and is about to have his second child. Any potential significant other who loves you will respect you more for not rushing into things until you’re ready.
The moral of that story is never to cheat if you want out! No matter how bleak things look, have more respect for yourself. It’s bad enough to cheat on someone in the first place (I’m sorry, but it is!), but getting yourself caught is even worse. It’s one thing to be told that you’re being cheated on and it’s quite another to watch the person you love cheat on you. This kind of breakup might be the worst kind. If you want to be with other people, break up with your partner before you cheat or you risk Carrie or Gary Underwood to find you and key your car.
3. Doing It Through MySpace, oh right, Facebook -Yep! As I prepare to hit the big 3-0 I reflected back on the immaturity of my teen years and realize I’ve done this, only it was 2005 MySpace. Looking back, I feel sincerely horrible about it too because in reality its one the worst ways to break up with someone via Social Media with no warning whatsoever. In my defense, I was young and felt really angry about something else I’ll mention later on in this article said “forget you” just by changing my status to single. Looking back on it, I can only imagine how horrible it must have been for my ex to find out he’d been dumped along with the rest of our mutual MySpace friends, I’m sure it was a major bummer. Thirty year old me is sincerely sorry for this, and if I have one regret it is not meeting up with him to do it properly. Single readers out there, don’t take a page out of my book in this respect – all it does it make you look like a coward.
4. Dumping Someone Via Text– Yep I did this too, with my now husband when we “went on a break” as teenagers. In my defense I’d been with him since I was 16 and being 19 years old telling him I needed space wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes so I did it through a text message. Looking back on that, the meaning behind that low blow was that I felt more confident doing it when I could write my words out rather than speaking them. Big mistake, especially if you genuinely love that person. There are some points in our life where we have to act mature enough to confront people in person – breakups are one of those times. Texting allows for way too many misunderstandings and hurt feelings. While, I found my amazing husband in the form of the very poor, heartbroken sap I did this to, I don’t encourage you to ever do the same.
5. Having A Friend Do It For You
Okay this is the king of cowardly ways to dump someone: having a friend do it for you comes neck in neck with changing your MySpace ( now commonly Facebook) relationship status. While I know it’s tempting to have someone else be the middle man, it’s not cool to involve a third party in something that should be private.
6. The Thing That Lead Me To Doing #3 on This List AKA Actually Kind Of Just Doing… Nothing. This ruins any change of salvaging your ex’s respect and may lead them to take my young and impressionable route. While I get it, sometimes when we get scared to actually break up with someone, we try to get them to go ahead and do it for us this is just pathetic because chances are your partner can feel the temperature change in the relationship and than gets anxious. I’ve had this done to me in my late teens and its the worst feeling ever! Honestly, it turns any self assured female into an emotionally erratic nutcase ( hey, not proud of it but I been there). What constitutes as this? When we start ignoring the person and acting like a jerk on purpose! That way, the person feels like the breakup is their decision. I get that maybe you think you’re doing them a favor, but it’s actually really a sick mind game. If you don’t want to be with someone, end the relationship. Don’t wait for your partner to do it for you. That just makes you both unhappy and really makes no sense.
7. Dumping Someone Before A Big Event
I have to contradict myself a little here: while I would never advise dragging out a breakup for a long period of time, there are some exceptions. Don’t dump someone a few days before a big event you’re both supposed to attend, like if he or she is going to be your date to a wedding or other major event. Chances are that person has already spent a lot of money on something to wear and maybe even changed plans around to go with you. If you want to end things a few weeks before the event, that’s fine – go for it. But if it’s a week to one day before the event? Try to hold off until it’s over… unless the person did something really awful.
I don’t envy singles in this messed up dating world, I also wanted to write something inclusive for those of my readers out there who aren’t married or have children. While I know there’s no easy way of letting go or telling someone they don’t suit you well as a boyfriend or girlfriend, you should NEVER do any of the seven deadly things mentioned above. The most valuable advice I can give you is to be an authentic version of yourself, you dated that person for a reason and at one point you found them irresistible so you owe it to that person to break up with them in the classiest way possible.
Love You. Mean it.